Stagnant

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At this very moment a slight bitterness has taken over me. Please forgive the negative energy. Maybe mine will counteract yours and we can all be happy.

Do you ever feel like you are just here…like frozen while everyone else buzzes around you like a swarm of fucking bees. Loud, irritating. A joyous group of honey-filled saps, guiding from one flower to the next, every step is a step up or forward.

And you. You sit quietly, trying so hard to find what you want from the chaos. To live a life that is full of everything great. Money. Fame. Success. Love. Adoration. But is that really what great is, or what it should be? Selfish to think so.

In less than three months you will be 21, and completely sober. Alcohol is of no interest. No parties, ever. Not one silly night with the girls, because they are all away.

A best friend busy with school and a long-term relationship, two hours away. You’re best friend who has been home with you for two years has decided to leave for a new school next semester.

You have the same job, and though you love it, it is the same job that you had three years ago. A tiny promotion. Some appreciation. Yet you stay. For you have a home in that place, a family in those people.

School is a bust. Each and every time. The first was too far. The second was too safe. The third is just beginning, and it scares you.

All of these words. It is not your intention to say life is not good. Because it is good. Fortunate compared to a lot of others. A place to sleep, food to eat, a car to drive. People always around. Contact with friends is not rare. Life is good. It will get better. It could be better.

Hopes can be treacherous and lead to your demise. Dream carefully. Allow yourself to want and need, but know your limits.

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