Defeat vs. Inspiration

I am a good person, certainly not the best, but overall a good person.

I am someone who will call off work to go to your cheating boyfriends birthday dinner in support of you and your broken heart, all the while wanting to throw a knife into his chest.

I am someone who will pick up your weekly farm share when you are away.

I am someone who will hide the madness running rampant throughout my brain to hear about your latest adventures.

How is it that I cannot function in this atmosphere?

To earn a sense of belonging, you must wade in the water before you finally sink in.

Being lost at first is the norm. What if I have been lost for four years, and still searching? People are unable to understand me, because I can hardly explain who I am. Something inside still feels empty.

I refuse to sit here and regret my past decisions. Maybe they were not the rights ones, and maybe they were impulsive.

It is so hard.

Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else? Go away to school, make new friends, find my passion, fall in love, and find what my life is meant for.

This is not a pity post. Do not read this with a sympathetic frown. Know that this is writing out of frustration with myself.

I am a good person, but how the hell can they tell? I don’t live on campus. I am here for four classes, three days a week. Work consumes whatever school does not.

I smile and they smile back, seemingly nice, but uninterested.

By finding solace in the silence, I have betrayed the extroverts of society.




“Pre” New Years Resolution

After tonight, I will be done with this semester. My Associate’s Degree will soon be in my hands.

It has been a busy year with work, school, and family events. I’ve tried to dedicate my days off to writing, exercising, eating well, practicing guitar, and most importantly, relaxing.

Starting in January, I will be at a new school-five days a week-and working full time as well. If I get a day off from both, it will be a blessing.

I had the majority of today off, and I am always frustrated, because I want to make more time for writing. Stories/books and even lyrics.

So right now, I am making a “pre” New Years resolution to make time everyday, especially on my days off, to write.

Television and Internet browsing are convenient, and so much easier than forcing myself to sit down, read over my work, criticize it, and then resume tweaking and creating.

Check my Wattpad page for updates, because I am going to try and finish the story I’ve been working on, on and off, for almost three years. Hell, I’ll probably go back and redo what I’ve already posted!

This blog has already been a huge help to me. It is my own special place to share my thoughts.

What are you resolutions? Have you chosen one yet? Will you choose one for 2014?

College Student Seeking Answers…For Everything

Another semester, gone. Done. Then comes another one.

Just like high school, I realize that the breaks for Christmas and Summer are not final, and that there is another round of first days ahead. New teachers, new lessons, new classmates.

What about after graduation, though? I’m familiar with the world of retail. That’s about it.

I’ve been thinking lately, which can be good or bad. Depends. There is going to be a final day of classes. Finals that will determine a degree, which will then guide me to a career.

Realization: I’m in my third year of college. About to get an Associate’s. In a few years it will be a Bachelor’s. After that? Life?

When graduation time comes, it will be the end. Sure, I can choose to go for a Master’s(not very likely), but that is my choice.

Choices and I have a bad track record.

Freshman Fall: Went away to school. Two hours away. Missed my job. Moved home.

Freshman Spring-Sophomore Spring: Community College. Worked a lot. Applied to a University. Accepted.

Junior Fall(no pun intended)-Don’t go to classes at my new school. Back at community. Getting an Associate’s.

No, not too bad. You got the short and sweet version. Oh, and major-wise?

Pre-Med Biology turned into Pre-Health Professions turned into Health Information Management which turned into Corporate Communications.

The previous University that I left for Community is not the same University I will be attending in the Spring either. Haha. Sigh.

A whole new plan. That will hopefully give me even more insight into what I want to do.

What do I want to do? Woah. Let’s not even go there. That’s like, a million decisions ahead.

Have you found the answers yet?




In the past three years…

I’ve been enrolled in three different schools. Truth.

I made it one semester at a Pitt branch campus(2011) two hours from my home. That December I moved back home and enrolled in a community college, worked my ever so exciting retail position, and saved up for a car.

After another three semesters I enrolled at Pitt Main Campus(2013). On the first day of classes I was a wreck and couldn’t beef up enough courage to go.

So here I am. Back at community. Getting an associates degree. Accepted to another university for the spring of 2014.

For people who are not sure of where to go, what to do, who to be: BEYOU. Don’t get mixed up a college lifestyle that doesn’t suit who YOU are. Make decisions. Live with these decisons. I wholeheartedly support every choice I have made thus far. I’ve been embarrassed, ashamed, but most of all HAPPY.

Keep it up kids. You’ve made it this far(no one has to know how) so keep trudging.